So I screwed up. It looks like some of our contestants got the message that the entries were supposed to conform to one of the metaphors from the list of bad metaphors, and others did not. I’m certain that was my fault.

Which means I’m announcing two winners: one for the funniest metaphor that conformed to the original rules, and one for the funniest that didn’t. Bear in mind that “funniest” is highly subjective, and many of you already know my sense of humor is kind of warped.

Winner for funniest metaphor in the restricted category:

Jenny Cokely of Salem, Oregon.

Long separated by cruel fate, the star-crossed lovers raced across the grassy field toward each other like two tweek’d out meth heads diving for the last box of Sudafed.

Winner for funniest metaphor in the unrestricted category:

Nyssa Zanger of Dayton, Washington.

Her voice was an ear piercing at Claire’s–sharp and short.

Congratulations to the both of you. Please email, comment or message me to claim your prize: the compliment of your choice, verbatim, on my Facebook page and in the comments of this very blog post. You’ll be famous, and not in that “people are dissing me in public, but no publicity is bad publicity, right?”

Thanks everybody for participating. I laughed. I cried. I looked up the definition of “metaphor.”

Thanks for listening.